13-Jan-2019
It was one of those cold winter nights of January. I vividly remember, tossing and turning I couldn't sleep the whole night. All those weird thoughts Kept constantly running in my head, making me restless and anxious. I couldn't wait for the Morning because I have had everything planned. Meanwhile, series of flashbacks kept flooding my head.
I heard my mother calling me downstairs for dinner. She had made my favorite dish that night. One summer, she fell so sick that I couldn't stop crying but Mama had said, I'm her strong girl and that I have to take care of myself and the family. I realized that day that I owe my mother much more than I love her. She has been the bravest of all. I ended up missing her and her warmth. Maybe she could have driven away all the crazy thoughts just by simply wrapping Her warm hands around me. But she was miles away from my reach and it was Already 2:47am in Delhi, she must have been sound asleep by then.
I hardly slept that night. I woke up right on time at around 4am. I woke up that morning not having any desire to wake up. The room was darker than usual and the morning was a lot colder. I kept lying on the bed staring at the tiny crevices between the AC and the wall, which was the only source of natural Light in the room, for straight one hour. My roommates were still so deep in Sleep; I could tell by the sound of them breathing. At 6:00, I somehow managed to pull myself out of bed, Brushed my teeth and went for a walk. I returned at seven o'clock only to find them Still on their beds sleeping. I went to washroom, washed my body, got spruced up. I had a lecture to attend at 8:30.
Everything Was decided. It was time to leave. I took a final look at the room including my unaware Roommates who were somewhere lost in their dreamlands. I looked at the walls and thought it was going to be easy. Then my eyes got stuck on this photo frame Which had me and my Baba in it. I called him up and had a very usual Conversation. My sweet Baba, my guardian angel. I wish I had tell him how much I love my superhuman.
I walked to college alone that day with the headphones plugged in. I was listening to Bohemian Rhapsody on loop. After walking a never ending road (it seemed never ending that day), I finally reached. As I entered the gate, I heard chaos from every direction, people running late for classes, girls taking selfies, the gate-keeper shouting at one of the girls as she’d forgotten to bring her Identity card. I stayed standing there for a while, listening to the sounds, taking mental snapshots, absorbing the moment. I recalled my first day in college, tried recollecting bits of memories. To be honest there was nothing much I wanted to remember but a lot to be thankful About that place.
I headed straight to the washroom upstairs. I held my bag down on the tile slab, which was as cold as ice, opened the zip of my bag, took out the box filled with what looked like paracetamol tablets mixed with my anti-allergy tablets. I locked myself up in one of the rooms in the washroom. My entire body was shuddering yet I knew and obviously I needed to do it. I was planning on killing myself by overdosing on pills. I have checked on the internet. Google says 24 paracetamol tablets are enough for killing a living human system.
. . .
When the darkness seeps in and the air slowly touches the skin,
When the fading sun rays fall on my hollowness and takes away all the happiness,
I feel a little dead inside.
I feel like nothing's left in me,
It is one of the many days when I feel like dying a little more
I don't like the Sun and its light anymore.
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